The Missing Link

I was feeling tired and achy when my freind reminded me that there was a shiur she was going to and asked if I wanted to join her.

The inner battle began, should I just stay home do some work and go to bed early? But if I stay home will I go to bed early anyway? Maybe I just need some fresh air to enliven me a little?

Then I reminded myself that last time I had gone to a shiur, even though my physical being was yelling "no!", I had been transformed and rejuvenated through the Torah and as a result my physical weariness had been thrust to the wayside as a 'by the way'.

So I decided to pull myself together and just go, and as a comfort I assured myself that if I really needed to I could leave.

So my friends and I went and we arrived just as the speaker was starting. Relieved we made it, we took off our coats, pulled out our notebooks and were ready to be uplifted.

I sat and listened, and listened and sat and pondered through some of what the speaker was saying and listened some more and I never felt it. I didn't feel myself filling up with the light, goodness and beauty that Torah has to offer. Sure, he had a few interesting points where I nodded and thought, "hmmm that sounds nice," and at certain points I thought, "hmmm, well maybe I could see how that fits." But something was missing.

What happened?

What went wrong?

Was it me?

Was it the speaker?

Where did the Torah's infinite light disappear to?

I left feeling empty, disturbed at the gaping hole and yearning for something more.

I sit here now confused, was the speaker lacking? Was he trying? Did he feel passion for what he was speaking?

He was saying the right words but truth wasn't coming out.

Instead of feeling energized I feel sad and disappointed.

But then again, maybe it was me? Maybe I wasn't focusing and appreciating his thoughts.

But then again, c'mon, truth is truth, it hits you smack in the face when it is there. You can't miss it when you are looking for it.

So if the man was teaching Torah, and Torah is truth, what went wrong? How did I miss it?

Was it my ego? Was I looking to be blown away with some amazing, intricate new idea? Was I hoping for too much?

Was it the man's ego? Is he trying to shove his ideas into a Torah framework?

This circle of thoughts all lead back to one thing? I am still feeling empty and drained.

My soul just wants to be filled with the light of truth.

Where is it?