limited expression of eternal pain

There he was, standing in all of his glory, smiling, a caftan wrapped around his neck like a tallis, the rebbe smiling at him, basking in the light of his holy sefarim that he, in the truest sense of the word, owns. Then he is gone. His soul no longer rests in his body, it lays lifeless, the loss too huge for anyone to grasp. The shock overwhelms, the pain sets in deep, there are no words for comfort, no words to express the intense sorrow, only tears. Tears that come from an abyss, a black hole that never seems to end, but flows and flows without stopping, no end in sight to the pain, the sadness, the grief. Denial, the body tenses up, the thoughts overwhelm and the mind goes blank there is no way to heal. The light has left the room. We can see no longer. The guiding light that shone so bright has dimmed in this world, but has moved to higher spheres, spheres that don't need external light, but that shine eternally. It is not real, the loss is not real, it is all a joke, a cruel joke, he is still here, amongst us, breathing, smiling, laughing, waiting to walk up his front steps and kiss his children hello. What happens when we lose, we feel empty, like we have been drained of our energy, lifeless....no matter how many times we hear, it cannot be believed, that a loving, adoring, holy, intensely kind, sympathetic, giving, deep and brilliant father, son, husband, friend, rebbi could be taken from this world in such a short notice, and what of the broken children, being left fatherless, and the mother, without her other half. Hashem we don't understand Your ways, we don't understand the pain we go through, we don’t understand when you take holy souls from this world to the next. When will our suffering end, when will we see You revealed only through happy times. Let us peek at Your tapestry so we can lessen our pain, so we can see your holy plan, so we can feel a release from some of our sorrow to live another tomorrow and be able to grow and throw up our hands and say we see Your goodness and can dwell in peacefulness to make right what is amiss in our world that you created amidst the bliss of nothingness and continue to give life and allowing our souls to express the gift that You placed into it and shift when the wheel starts to turn and yearn for the redemption to come so we can be one with You and our nation can be whole to put the pieces back together to fulfill our role and fill the gaping hole that separates us from You and the holy souls that you tore from this world like a sore that wont heal bring us back together in a home soft like feathers that can break our fall when the pain hits us hard like a dart in the heart that pierces straight through with a start without warning that its coming to tear us apart, Hashem heal.

I know His Name

He calls himself Charlie. G-d planted him in the subway car that I was in yesterday; He planted him about two feet away from me. I watched him, a smile forming in my mind and playing on my lips, as he talked to himself, muttered comments, and sang a little niggun with no care that people were watching. I looked around to see what other people were thinking and the look on their faces said with partial amusement and exasperation, "Another nameless crazy person with no where to go that we have to deal with after a hard days work," but I know better.

I know he has a name
I know that he lives in Crown Heights
I know that the Rebbe was very fond of him
I know that he makes people smile
I know that people that know him, love him
I know he was created in G-D's image
I know that he has a unique mission in life

I see a G-dly soul, who was put into a body and position in life that is not mainstream, trying to fulfill its mission and bring joy to the world.

But, all they see is a white man, with a unkempt white beard, big plastic rimmed glasses, wearing a pair of jean overalls with a white shirt underneath, his tzitzis flying in and out of his jeans, a large round yarmulka perched atop his head with an array of pins strategically placed around it and a slew of shopping bags filled with who knows what, muttering and singing to himself.

If they think he is crazy and I know better, then who's to say that people who look crazy to me actually matter to someone, and have a name and a place they call home.

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I ran into Charlie again today in my neighborhood, the upper west side. I saw him as I was walking home and I heard him say to someone happy Chanukah. Being that I was only a few feet away from him I called to him, "Freilichin Purim" to which he responded, "Purim is coming up, it is still the time of Chanukah."

I walked with Charlie down the street as he explained to me how he came up with that calculation, quoting the Rebbe. As he talked I was in my own head smiling to myself in amusement over his words thinking, "here he goes." I caught myself treating him without due dignity and gave myself a metaphorical splash of cold water on my face, saying, "Raizel, if you were thinking just yesterday that he is a person with a soul, someone to respect, then listen to what he has to say!" So I listened, even though I still didn't quite understand what he was saying.

He proceeded to inquire as to who I was, he asked me my name and where I was from. When I explained I was from Seattle, he said with excitement and another one of his big, warm smiles, "Oh! Welcome to New York, our playground," and when I told him what I was studying he said, "This city subsists on psychologists, your in the right place." He knows what he is talking about.

He went into shul to daven, and I continued home with a big smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart. As I strolled down the street I couldn't help myself from smiling, and I thought, people probably are perceiving me as a little weird. Who smiles to themselves? A frown, a scowl or a sulking face, thats normal, but to smile to yourself while walking down the street, that is a warning bell.

Who is the crazy one now?